| Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? | |
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CptnShotgun Eezo junkie
Posts : 2382 Points : 2487 Reputation : 7 Join date : 2010-03-19 Location : Cyborg Docking Station 4
| Subject: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:54 pm | |
| The Microsoft conference at E3 just finished and holy shit, it was the biggest pile of shit I have ever seen. Watching a quadruple amputee trying to open a packet of crisps would have been more video games related than that horrific monstrosity. 90% of the conference was bullshitting about how fucking great this new smart glass shit was and how you can use your tablet while you're watching films, which no-one but pretentious hipster twats who have to look at IMBD will ever use. Everything was based around the shitfest that was Kinect, they even got fucking Nike involved to spout shit about "Nike points" and how everyone with a body was an athlete that didn't even fucking tie-in with a video game. Ten minutes of talking shit about fitness and there wasn't even a fucking game involved.
Then the fucking "Xbox Music" shit came on (which is the most fucking creatively named thing in the history of anything ever, if I took a shot every time they fucking said "Xbox" I'd be more hammered than a Thai hooker during a stag-do). Usher did a fucking concert on stage and his imitation of a cat trying to shit out of a sewn-up arse was incredible and he danced like he was having a seizure, which was probably brought on by all the flashy hipster shit that had no fucking relevance to anything ever. One fat fuck even came on the stage and said "imagine living without your smartphone" as if it was a fucking necessity. I would gladly live without a smartphone if I could bury it into that twat's skull. Not only that, but the only video-game related shit in the whole conference was complete and utter bollocks: Halo 4 might as well be called An Ancient Evil Awakens: Bionicle Hunting; The new Lara Croft game was fucking quick-time events out the fucking arse coupled with ridiculous on rails scenes and more CoD-audience pandering than fucking Battleshit 3; Splinter Cell is now a TACTICOOL 3rd person action game with no fucking stealth and enough fucking explosions to give a blind person epilepsy; The Forza trailer was uninteresting as fuck and the wubstep just made me want to vomit and Cockadoody: Black Cocks looks like Michael Bay shat on a screen made of cliches and bollocks. Not forgetting the fucking 3D angry birds rip-off that, of course, uses Kinect and the whole "INTERNET EXPLORER ON UR XBOX LOLOLOLOL XDXDXDXDXD TUMBLR AND REDDIT KOOL SITES XD" and a fucking whole ten minutes of pandering to fucking Spaniards and Fable turning into a fucking on rails shooter (using Kinect, of course).
The only decent part of it was when the South Park creators ripped into Microsoft during their own conference for being so shit.
TL;DR:
YOU GUYS LIEK DANCING AND BEING FIT RIGHT!? MOOSIK NOGAEMS AN ANCIENT EVIL AWAKENS PRESS X NOT TO DIE BROWN AND BLOOM LE REDDIT XD ESPANOL? HUE HUE HUE PRE-RENDERED CUTSCENES SUPERHUMAN LARA, FALLS OFF WATERFALLS AND USES MAGIC FIRE ARROWS BLACK COCKS 2 LOOKS SHIT, FEMALE PRESIDENT, EXPLOSIONS EVERYWHERE
I have broken the quantum rage barrier. If you concentrated all the energy the sun has ever released into one single moment, it would be approximate to the rage I feel. | |
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Fido emo
Posts : 5465 Points : 5955 Reputation : 43 Join date : 2010-04-18
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:59 pm | |
| Hahaha, I was expecting some massive nerd rage hipster anger at Microsoft, but this was hilarious. I liked especially the vivid imagery. | |
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RoninHo'in Paranoid Vet
Posts : 8157 Points : 8617 Reputation : 47 Join date : 2010-03-22 Age : 42 Location : Cali baby
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 3:07 pm | |
| Nothing surprising really... expected a buncha shit and they didn't dissapoint.
Can't wait 4 mah PC.... fuck consoles. Had a nice run of 5 yrs for me but I'm ready for real gaming again.
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Skreshavik Mordekaiser
Posts : 5997 Points : 6336 Reputation : 55 Join date : 2010-04-30 Age : 34 Location : California/Oregon
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 3:07 pm | |
| Well PC > whatever they showcased. | |
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Skreshavik Mordekaiser
Posts : 5997 Points : 6336 Reputation : 55 Join date : 2010-04-30 Age : 34 Location : California/Oregon
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 3:08 pm | |
| Fuck, Ronin. This is the second time you beat me saying the same thing within a minute. | |
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DTECH Master of Facts, Factual Evidence, and Facts
Posts : 4541 Points : 4745 Reputation : -115 Join date : 2010-03-19 Location : Here
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 4:07 pm | |
| tldr was very well done, excellent job there young chap
Ill never get the whole motion based gaming thingy... its a fucking retarded idea, well until it reaches the level of a Star trek holodeck that is, until then its pure retarded fuckery
Fuck all the cool ideas/implementations using Kinect have sweet fuck all to do with gaming... | |
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CptnShotgun Eezo junkie
Posts : 2382 Points : 2487 Reputation : 7 Join date : 2010-03-19 Location : Cyborg Docking Station 4
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 4:46 pm | |
| Announcing DLC in the announcement of the game. Ubisoft, you classy motherfuckers. | |
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spacefox Blatant Cocksucker
Posts : 4915 Points : 5512 Reputation : -9 Join date : 2010-03-19 Age : 29 Location : Florida
| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? Mon Jun 04, 2012 5:44 pm | |
| Awesome summary. 10/10 would read again. | |
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| Subject: Re: Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? | |
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| Why the fuck do Microsoft still exist? | |
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